Am I Not As Sexy When I'm Morose?

So I met this guy...on OkCupid. I know, not a big deal, but for my family I think it is. Even though it was suggested to me by a family friend who I don't particularly like. I didn't really have any other options. I live in a hick town now, and everyone thinks I'm some weird Yankee. I made up this fantastically elaborate lie to explain why I was in a town 2 hours away. Of course it worked. I don't really feel guilty about lying, I feel bad because I'm not comfortable telling the truth about the situation.

Honestly, I feel like my dad wouldn't understand. I don't know; I don't know him that well. I mean I'm 22 and I'm in college, but I live at home. I want to have all of the college experiences, but it's so awkward doing things while living at home. I don't think living at home is conducive to my lifestyle.

But about the boy, I really like him. I was really hesitant to write about this because it's so soon, and I feel like talking about it will somehow jinx it. I was really nervous at first, but we warmed up to each other fast. We have a lot of the same nerdy stuff in common, and we like a lot of the same music. That is a huge plus with me, and something I've never had in common with other guys I've dated. He's also a really good singer. Oh yeah, and he's super sweet. He held my face in his hands when he kissed me. Just like that Rilo Kiley song. Now every time that I think about him, I get this awesome feeling in my loins. Haha. I'm trying so hard not to ruin this. Damn my vagina.

So what do you do when you stumble across some very incriminating photos of your father? How are you supposed to feel when presented with a veritable visual timeline of your parents' marital decline?

While my mom was home raising two young children on her own, my dad was stationed on the other side of the world. My mom waited patiently for his return; she sent him care packages as often as she could afford to. It seemed, however, that my dad was enjoying his new found freedom. Going to bars and relishing the company of foreign women that were not his wife.

I mean who keeps things like that? Who could look back at those times in a positive way?

It seems my dad may have cheated on my mom. Apparently, this was the beginning of the marital turmoil I knew all too well. Or maybe it started long before that. I'll never know. I have so many questions I want answered, but I'm too afraid to ask them.

God, how could you do that to your family? If you knew you couldn't handle being married why did you do it? And you had kids for Christ's sake! Was it us? Did you not want the responsibility? All I've heard from my family since I've moved in with my dad is that he loves me and that he always wanted me. Maybe the problem is that I'm hearing it from everyone else and not him. Is it even true? I know he may be different now, but the fact that he still hangs on to those things tells me differently. He obviously remembers those times fondly.

Does he even realized how fucked up I am because of all the dysfunctional family bullshit we've been through? I mean seriously, its obvious. I'm an emotionally stunted 22 year old with self-esteem issues, commitment issues, men issues, anxiety issues the list goes on. My sister is a former junkie with probably a million other issues on top of the ones I've listed. I can't imagine that for a second the thought that his actions might have had something to do with all that never crossed his mind.

I think that by the time my mom left him, it was too late to save her sanity and that was reflected in our upbringing. My mom finally realized that it was over ten years later when she finally went through with the divorce.

Do you ever look at your parents and think that you are looking at your future? Both of my parents are pushing 50 and they are alone. I really don't want to end up that way. Sometimes I have so much hate for my mom it scares me. Even miles away she can still infuriate me. She doesn't listen to me. Its like why even bother speaking? I spoke with her on the phone at least three time today. She always calls me because she's lonely, but all she ever does is talk about herself. I feign interest and try to interject with something meaningful, but its lost on her, its lost in her ramblings and her egocentrism. She never asks how my life is. She doesn't seem to care if I'm making friends or if I'm happy until I complain about it. I feel like she doesn't know me at all, beyond what directly pertains to her. Does that make sense? Like, she only knows I'm a good writer because I send her well written, meaningful cards on special occasions and holidays.

I tell myself that maybe it was the way she was raised but that can't be the only reason. I also wonder why we've been so isolated from her side of the family? I have plenty of cousins my age and I get jealous when I see all of the photos of them having fun together or going on family vacations. I wonder what they think of us? We're clearly the black sheep of the family. I wonder what they say about my mom or if they realize that maybe she has something to do with the way we are?

I could drive myself crazy thinking about this. Usually I would, but I'm far too tired these days. I'm PMS-ing hard. All I want to do is eat, watch porn and masturbate. Everytime I eat I feel guilty and right after I masturbate I wonder why I'm so alone. I need a boyfriend. I wonder why that isn't even close to happening yet? I'm sure its something I'm doing or something about me that's keeping me single. Again, I could drive myself crazy thinking about this and usually I would, but I'm off to resume the cycle that brought me here in the first place. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I accompanied my grandma to her appointment with her oncologist a couple of days ago. He didn't pussyfoot around. No BS. She's end stage and all he can do is make her comfy or start a course of chemo. She wants neither. She wants to do things the natural way and while I'd love to think positively about this I sincerely think she waited too long. I feel awful because whenever I'm around her I think about what I'd say for her eulogy. I can't help it.

We took a six hour round trip car ride out to western nowhere on a quest for herbs. Seriously. It was like some World of Warcraft shit. The ride was nice though. Under different circumstances I would have loved it. The road spanned giant rivers and forked through historic, picturesque towns replete with Civil War trails and museums. Most of the establishments along the road were abandoned or hilarious or both. Old filling stations/country stores long since devoid of food and fuel. Tiny one roomed churches that sat squarely in the middle of overgrown fields with hand painted signs declaring CHURCH. Abandoned farm houses where weeds run rampant, ensnaring everything in their path including the old pickup truck in the driveway. I love places like that because I feel that if you are in the right place and are still enough, you can hear and feel the ghosts of the past all around you. I'm gonna ride up that road again under the right conditions.

So while G-Ma is staying with me my dad happens to be stuck at work overnight. No alone time. I haven't done shit for myself. I did manage to clean the kitchen while she was napping but she blew through there like a tornado a few hours later, burning shit and spilling crap. Damn. I love her but I hope I never get old. I've been staying up extra late because that's the only alone time I get. I'm so fucking selfish. It's not like I'm doing anything productive anyways. Same old crap, same old porn.

I am beginning to think that I will never be satisfied. I finally have the one thing that I've wanted more than anything in the whole world; a chance at an education. But in order to obtain that I had to give up the few precious gifts I possessed; friends, a job, familiar surroundings. I fear the exchange was uneven. My hearts aches with loneliness. Hours go by without the need for speech. My social skills, the few I had, are atrophying from lack of use.

What is it about me that repels every eligible boy I meet? I think I answered my own question there. I need to meet a man. But sadly its quite apparent that any male within my age range has yet to progress past a puerile state. I'm sorry but I just will not dumb myself down for you.

On the other hand I still think that something is really wrong with me. Maybe I seem cold and intimidating and I know that I'm more than a little awkward, but all that aside I think I'm pretty awesome. Maybe one day I'll find someone who realizes it too.

So I've been in North Carolina for about 2 weeks. Everything's fine so far. I have no major worries. Its just really weird not working. I know I don't have to but I feel so useless. This has proved detrimental. I've been drinking a bit and smoking too many cigarettes. I figure at least death is something to work towards. Its something to do and goddammit I sure am good at it. But overall I feel OK. Just bored. Boredom is so dangerous in my hands.

I've had a lot of time to think...and surf the internet. I've figured out what I want to do with my life. I want to be a Forensic Nurse. I know, right? I didn't know that was a career either! Its got the best of all my morbid worlds: nursing, crime scene action, sexual assault victims. Its like I'd be living Law & Order SVU everyday!

The rain here is unbelievable. There are tornado warnings every week. It rains hard, fast and without warning, but I love it. The sudden danger and devastation is alluring. If there really was a tornado I would have no place to take shelter since we don't have a basement. What do you do in those cases? Bathtub? Doorjam? On the drive home I saw a rainbow. It went right over the house. Briefly, I thought of NJ.

I've been dreaming a lot lately. A few nights ago I dreamt of zombies. I woke up at 5:45 to a silent house; minus my own heavy breathing. After checking all the doors and windows I watched CNN until I felt safe again. Last night I dreamt that Batman was hittin' it hard from the back. I asked him why and he said it had to do with dominance issues. Something about the suit. Of course I woke up before the climax to the fucking birds outside my window.

A lady in the shampoo aisle of Walmart said she liked my hair. She was fat and black and my hair was just-woke-up-chic but it made my day. I went to the wine aisle anyway and picked up the cheapest bottle of chardonnay I could find. Under 4 bucks. I love the South.

Whoa. The new Radiohead album In Rainbows is pretty really good.

My dad is visiting for the next few days.

My sister picked me up from work and when we walked outside both my mom and dad were waiting for me. They were in separate cars, but it didn't matter. I got a warm, fuzzy feeling as I thought of every kid with divorced parent's fantasy; their parents together again.

I'm still depressed.

By no means did I think it was behind me, but for a while I forgot.

A guy I work with came in today with his girlfriend. She looked like a walking MySpace photo; working the angles. For some reason I got a bit upset. I didn't even like him; I hardly know him, but it kind of hurt.

I stayed quiet. I went home and looked in the mirror. Caramel colored skin. I'm breaking out lightly across my cheeks. I think my scar is more prominent when I'm upset. I'd like me, but I think I'm a narcissist.

I try to look through my face and I start to wonder about the future. I should be starting my senior year of college. It's been almost four years since high school ended. I wonder if I'm going to lose it again. Just go crazy. It always seems like it's in the post and that scares me so much.

On Friday evening we decided to celebrate Krystle's birthday by going to a strip club. But first we had to stop in West Orange for pot. It was supposed to be an in and out sort of thing, Cris told us to stay in the car while he took care of everything. The next thing we know he returns with two guys. They look us over and tell us to come inside for awhile. Gross.

The house looks like a normal bachelor pad: big screen TV, empty beer bottles, almost monastic decor. We guzzle beers and shuffle around nervously while the guys prepare to roll a blunt. One guy does more talking than the other. I don't like the way he stares at us; his eyes have a sort of primal hunger in them. While rolling he asks us questions. I try to be as vague as possible with my answers. Krystle is more trusting though and she answers with fervor.

We move outside to smoke. I tried to relax, but I don't like smoking with strangers. With each hit I loosen up, but the uneasiness lingers at the back of my mind. We are quiet for a while, but soon the questions resume.

"You two look like such good girls. You're not though, are you?"

I try to change the subject.

"Do you guys live here alone?"

"No, I have an eight year old son. He's asleep upstairs." Oh. No.

( Oh no )

AMBITION

I envy everyone I know. Can they see it? Their futures are so fucking bright, it's blinding.

Planned a spur of the moment getaway in NYC with Brandie. It looks like we are getting Björk tickets for her Madison Square Garden concert. I'm a little nervous about it, but its going to be fun no matter what happens. It feels good to have plans. And I can make plans because I make money. :-P

If this works, then I've made a remix.



[ U-MYX.com ]

Today is going to be a great day because:

• I made a delicious, healthy stir-fry
  
• I got a phone call from Walgreens and I have an interview tomorrow (the job is for pharmacy tech)
  
• The season premiere of Weeds is on tonight
  

...and

Countdown To Superbad
If you don't know what this is then seriously educate yourself.

I got in trouble this weekend for calling my mom a fucking hypocrite. I couldn't even help it. I calls 'em like I sees 'em.

Why can't all men be like you, Michael Cera?

My job sucks. I think I'm going to quit. I should have listened to my gut on this one. The fact that I was covered in feces at the end of the day didn't bother me. It was the fact that no one had their shit together.

I am looking for more gainful employment. I doubt I will get my dream job as a stripper. *fingaz crossed* I already have a name picked out and my stripper diet is going quite well.

Oh shiiiiiiiit. I feel like shit again. I wanted to tell someone this, but when I looked around no one was there.

I'm so frustrated by my place in life right now. It's like everything is moving so fast yet so slow. I miss my freedom. I wish I could just go somewhere.

This is so frustrating; so infinitely frustrating. For a while I fooled myself into thinking that I never really had a problem, but I think I do and I'm wishing that I would have solved it a long time ago with a really good therapist.

My mom is really no help. I feel like when I get this way she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I'm so mad at her, I really am; it hurts. I just want to crawl into the woods until I can't see the road or cars or lights anymore and just scream.

I think I need to do something more with my time than just paint. Christ this feels like high school again.

( My sister thinks I'm lonely )

For the past month or so, I've been really good at managing my emotions and keeping a positive attitude. Maybe it's because I didn't really have much to get me down.

It's getting harder now though. I keep wondering why it's so hard for me to get a job here. I know it's no fault of my own though. I technically have a job, but they are so half-assed about everything and they never called me with my drug test results. Do I really want to work for a company like that? It took me so long to set up an interview with someone and I come in and they tell me that I'm great. I have all the experience in the world. They give me a handbook and tell me to take a drug test. It's been a week since I've taken the test and I've called them twice. When I finally got through to someone they found out that they submitted something wrong. I'm still waiting for that phone call they promised me five days ago.

Maybe I totally failed the drug test and this is their 'polite' way of telling me, "don't bother." That would probably make sense. I don't think that's policy though.

Things like this make me want to reevaluate my choice to be here. Unemployment coupled with my mom's incessant nagging almost make me want to pack up and leave again.

On the other hand, I feel like I am using my ample free time in amazing ways like seeing how much French I remember (quite a bit), or learning making up my own Cockney rhyming slang (Hey lady, I have to say you have the nicest kibbles I've ever seen; including my own. {kibbles = kibbles and bits = tits})and of course making horrible watercolor paintings. I think I'm the only one who finds this productive though.

I've been having a lot of fun with my free time. I'm glad I was able to have some extra time off before I have to start working. I've been watching some of the most beautiful movies.

( Shopgirl )

( Junebug )

( Little Miss Sunshine )

My sister got me watercolor paper for postcards. She's also letting me use her good watercolors. Anyone want a postcard?

Yesterday, I drew a picture for my mom with my markers. I left it on her bed. When she came home, she told me how beautiful it was and I believed her and I put it on the fridge.

( LJ cut to save your friends page )