Am I Not As Sexy When I'm Morose?

A commercial for (500) Days of Summer just came on. I actually liked that movie, but right now it's really pissing me off. Life is just not that perfect. Things do not happen like that, and love does not exist. I'm convinced. I have never been in love with anyone who wasn't in my immediate family. Love is a fucking myth, a fable. Love is fairy tale. To entertain thoughts of otherwise is purely ignorant.

You're losing me.

OK. I admit when Lady Gaga first burst onto the scene last summer I was like, "whatever, next!" But after seeing this video, I kind of get the hype.

So I met this guy...on OkCupid. I know, not a big deal, but for my family I think it is. Even though it was suggested to me by a family friend who I don't particularly like. I didn't really have any other options. I live in a hick town now, and everyone thinks I'm some weird Yankee. I made up this fantastically elaborate lie to explain why I was in a town 2 hours away. Of course it worked. I don't really feel guilty about lying, I feel bad because I'm not comfortable telling the truth about the situation.

Honestly, I feel like my dad wouldn't understand. I don't know; I don't know him that well. I mean I'm 22 and I'm in college, but I live at home. I want to have all of the college experiences, but it's so awkward doing things while living at home. I don't think living at home is conducive to my lifestyle.

But about the boy, I really like him. I was really hesitant to write about this because it's so soon, and I feel like talking about it will somehow jinx it. I was really nervous at first, but we warmed up to each other fast. We have a lot of the same nerdy stuff in common, and we like a lot of the same music. That is a huge plus with me, and something I've never had in common with other guys I've dated. He's also a really good singer. Oh yeah, and he's super sweet. He held my face in his hands when he kissed me. Just like that Rilo Kiley song. Now every time that I think about him, I get this awesome feeling in my loins. Haha. I'm trying so hard not to ruin this. Damn my vagina.

So what do you do when you stumble across some very incriminating photos of your father? How are you supposed to feel when presented with a veritable visual timeline of your parents' marital decline?

While my mom was home raising two young children on her own, my dad was stationed on the other side of the world. My mom waited patiently for his return; she sent him care packages as often as she could afford to. It seemed, however, that my dad was enjoying his new found freedom. Going to bars and relishing the company of foreign women that were not his wife.

I mean who keeps things like that? Who could look back at those times in a positive way?

It seems my dad may have cheated on my mom. Apparently, this was the beginning of the marital turmoil I knew all too well. Or maybe it started long before that. I'll never know. I have so many questions I want answered, but I'm too afraid to ask them.

God, how could you do that to your family? If you knew you couldn't handle being married why did you do it? And you had kids for Christ's sake! Was it us? Did you not want the responsibility? All I've heard from my family since I've moved in with my dad is that he loves me and that he always wanted me. Maybe the problem is that I'm hearing it from everyone else and not him. Is it even true? I know he may be different now, but the fact that he still hangs on to those things tells me differently. He obviously remembers those times fondly.

Does he even realized how fucked up I am because of all the dysfunctional family bullshit we've been through? I mean seriously, its obvious. I'm an emotionally stunted 22 year old with self-esteem issues, commitment issues, men issues, anxiety issues the list goes on. My sister is a former junkie with probably a million other issues on top of the ones I've listed. I can't imagine that for a second the thought that his actions might have had something to do with all that never crossed his mind.

I think that by the time my mom left him, it was too late to save her sanity and that was reflected in our upbringing. My mom finally realized that it was over ten years later when she finally went through with the divorce.

Do you ever look at your parents and think that you are looking at your future? Both of my parents are pushing 50 and they are alone. I really don't want to end up that way. Sometimes I have so much hate for my mom it scares me. Even miles away she can still infuriate me. She doesn't listen to me. Its like why even bother speaking? I spoke with her on the phone at least three time today. She always calls me because she's lonely, but all she ever does is talk about herself. I feign interest and try to interject with something meaningful, but its lost on her, its lost in her ramblings and her egocentrism. She never asks how my life is. She doesn't seem to care if I'm making friends or if I'm happy until I complain about it. I feel like she doesn't know me at all, beyond what directly pertains to her. Does that make sense? Like, she only knows I'm a good writer because I send her well written, meaningful cards on special occasions and holidays.

I tell myself that maybe it was the way she was raised but that can't be the only reason. I also wonder why we've been so isolated from her side of the family? I have plenty of cousins my age and I get jealous when I see all of the photos of them having fun together or going on family vacations. I wonder what they think of us? We're clearly the black sheep of the family. I wonder what they say about my mom or if they realize that maybe she has something to do with the way we are?

I could drive myself crazy thinking about this. Usually I would, but I'm far too tired these days. I'm PMS-ing hard. All I want to do is eat, watch porn and masturbate. Everytime I eat I feel guilty and right after I masturbate I wonder why I'm so alone. I need a boyfriend. I wonder why that isn't even close to happening yet? I'm sure its something I'm doing or something about me that's keeping me single. Again, I could drive myself crazy thinking about this and usually I would, but I'm off to resume the cycle that brought me here in the first place. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I accompanied my grandma to her appointment with her oncologist a couple of days ago. He didn't pussyfoot around. No BS. She's end stage and all he can do is make her comfy or start a course of chemo. She wants neither. She wants to do things the natural way and while I'd love to think positively about this I sincerely think she waited too long. I feel awful because whenever I'm around her I think about what I'd say for her eulogy. I can't help it.

We took a six hour round trip car ride out to western nowhere on a quest for herbs. Seriously. It was like some World of Warcraft shit. The ride was nice though. Under different circumstances I would have loved it. The road spanned giant rivers and forked through historic, picturesque towns replete with Civil War trails and museums. Most of the establishments along the road were abandoned or hilarious or both. Old filling stations/country stores long since devoid of food and fuel. Tiny one roomed churches that sat squarely in the middle of overgrown fields with hand painted signs declaring CHURCH. Abandoned farm houses where weeds run rampant, ensnaring everything in their path including the old pickup truck in the driveway. I love places like that because I feel that if you are in the right place and are still enough, you can hear and feel the ghosts of the past all around you. I'm gonna ride up that road again under the right conditions.

So while G-Ma is staying with me my dad happens to be stuck at work overnight. No alone time. I haven't done shit for myself. I did manage to clean the kitchen while she was napping but she blew through there like a tornado a few hours later, burning shit and spilling crap. Damn. I love her but I hope I never get old. I've been staying up extra late because that's the only alone time I get. I'm so fucking selfish. It's not like I'm doing anything productive anyways. Same old crap, same old porn.

I am beginning to think that I will never be satisfied. I finally have the one thing that I've wanted more than anything in the whole world; a chance at an education. But in order to obtain that I had to give up the few precious gifts I possessed; friends, a job, familiar surroundings. I fear the exchange was uneven. My hearts aches with loneliness. Hours go by without the need for speech. My social skills, the few I had, are atrophying from lack of use.

What is it about me that repels every eligible boy I meet? I think I answered my own question there. I need to meet a man. But sadly its quite apparent that any male within my age range has yet to progress past a puerile state. I'm sorry but I just will not dumb myself down for you.

On the other hand I still think that something is really wrong with me. Maybe I seem cold and intimidating and I know that I'm more than a little awkward, but all that aside I think I'm pretty awesome. Maybe one day I'll find someone who realizes it too.

So I've been in North Carolina for about 2 weeks. Everything's fine so far. I have no major worries. Its just really weird not working. I know I don't have to but I feel so useless. This has proved detrimental. I've been drinking a bit and smoking too many cigarettes. I figure at least death is something to work towards. Its something to do and goddammit I sure am good at it. But overall I feel OK. Just bored. Boredom is so dangerous in my hands.

I've had a lot of time to think...and surf the internet. I've figured out what I want to do with my life. I want to be a Forensic Nurse. I know, right? I didn't know that was a career either! Its got the best of all my morbid worlds: nursing, crime scene action, sexual assault victims. Its like I'd be living Law & Order SVU everyday!

The rain here is unbelievable. There are tornado warnings every week. It rains hard, fast and without warning, but I love it. The sudden danger and devastation is alluring. If there really was a tornado I would have no place to take shelter since we don't have a basement. What do you do in those cases? Bathtub? Doorjam? On the drive home I saw a rainbow. It went right over the house. Briefly, I thought of NJ.

I've been dreaming a lot lately. A few nights ago I dreamt of zombies. I woke up at 5:45 to a silent house; minus my own heavy breathing. After checking all the doors and windows I watched CNN until I felt safe again. Last night I dreamt that Batman was hittin' it hard from the back. I asked him why and he said it had to do with dominance issues. Something about the suit. Of course I woke up before the climax to the fucking birds outside my window.

A lady in the shampoo aisle of Walmart said she liked my hair. She was fat and black and my hair was just-woke-up-chic but it made my day. I went to the wine aisle anyway and picked up the cheapest bottle of chardonnay I could find. Under 4 bucks. I love the South.

Whoa. The new Radiohead album In Rainbows is pretty really good.

My dad is visiting for the next few days.

My sister picked me up from work and when we walked outside both my mom and dad were waiting for me. They were in separate cars, but it didn't matter. I got a warm, fuzzy feeling as I thought of every kid with divorced parent's fantasy; their parents together again.